I thought it was just a little crush. That would not last long. Just a little crush that would never ever be sometihng more than a crush. A little crush that was denied by me so hard. I didn't want it to grow, I wanted it to vanish. I wanted it to fall of the mountain and break into hundreds of little pieces that can never be glued together. Because no one would want them to be together. Because they both know that they are different and don't belong together. They both know that and yet they smile just with the thought of one another. Just seeing each other in the hall between classes makes their day a little bit better. And after school, when he stops near her locker and asks her how was her day, she is joyous. She smiles happily and forgets about everything else, but him next to her and the whole life in front.

It wasn't a regular crush. Not a wave of passion that dries out like usually. Rationalized portions of passion, intimacy and commitment. Perfect love...

What I just wrote... It's about me... About my little crush that grew. I didn't expect it, I never expected it. It got out of control so quickly. One moment I smiled at him out of pity and the next I smiled at him because I expected him to smile back. I know he liked me. Everybody told me that, but I just murmured "Whatever" and forgot about that. Now? Now I am blushing when Karina tells me "Wow. He really really likes you. How do I know? Well, the way he looks at you. The way he smiles at you. The way he says bye, as if he wants to kiss you good bye but doesn't dare." I want it to be true. I just want to be happy, I just want to have someone there for me. Someone who...is not Paul. I'm so tired of him I bet I will never go out with troublemaker like that again. And I sincerely loved him, but closer to the end it was so heavy I knew I would not be able to go through with it. I gave up on our relationship long before he did. I feel bad about it...

On the happier note - Paul was not the only one to like me. HA!

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